A Little Venting

After spending the last two days trying to get onto food stamps I realized I had a lot of built up emotions. It takes a lot of faith and courage to step blindly into a new job with a one year old and one on the way. We knew this was the right choice and that our needs would be taken care of, we didn't realize the emotional toll it would take and the strain it would put on our relationship. I have already had to turn a blind eye to the finances because it is too stressful for me to not know if the next months rent will be paid or how we are going to afford food. Even now just typing this bring tears to my eyes. It would also send me into a spiraling depression which doesn't help at home and doesn't help Daniel at work. But the things I want to complain about most are the government assistant programs. We are no strangers to WIC, but have found that each state varies and that there is a better way of doing things! Checks are outdated time suckers! It is very frustrating to have to spend your months worth of FRESH NOT FROZEN produce all at once! And with both Wes and I both on it we often have to buy 4 gallons of milk at a time which then just has to go into the freezer and take up valuable space. I wish Utah would convert to debit type cards where you slowly deduct from your produce limit and if you just want to buy a gallon of milk you can! You don't need to then buy beans and bread just because if you don't you forfeit that food. It also slows the whole check-out line immensely because you are doing 3 or 4 transactions instead of just one. I have had to learn quickly that their grocery needs were no more important than my own and there time was definitely not more valuable.

The next thing I hate is Utah Medicaid. The money saver here is to kick everyone off at the end of each month. I guess in theory this works... people get annoyed and would rather pour salt in their eye than wait on hold with their bogus hold times (17 minutes turns into a 45 minute hold time) and just decide it's better to not be on it. But I am not one of those people I started working at 15 and have paid taxes since then so I believe I have the right to government assistance in times of need.

But the real kicker was this morning when I was trying to get accepted for food stamps and since I have to pay rent and have no income coming in they won't help me....I'm sorry I'm pretty sure that is like the main reason I qualify for food stamps! Yet since I can't prove where the money comes from I must be hiding money from them and so they refuse to help and suggest I ask my church for help and have them send a letter to say how much they can provide first. This will then turn into DWS telling me that we are receiving assistance and they don't need to help me. It's frustrating to know that you are in a desperate time and the government is turning their back pointing their finger to any other entity that is willing to help you. I am sure there are more people out there who are not receiving the help they need. I wish there was something I could do, talk to the right person, tell them my sob story and get help.

I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel but as soon as it starts to glimmer it gets pushed a little further away. It's hard to not be able to give your kids the things you think they deserve or you see a lack but there is nothing you can do to make up for it. I have never thought of myself as a failure though or regretted moving and giving up the promotion and comfortable life. The little graces we are blessed with each month make up for that. I miss the security of having a steady paycheck(even though we were barely making ends meet there too). Daniel's boss says they all must be refined in the Refiners Fire, but I think that extends to wives as well. I think all of us have to be broken for the miracles to come. If we do not want them to happen and doubt then what are the chances of them happening? I think everyone involved has to give of themselves 100% and let go of all worldly security. And if they are not willing to do that or their spouses aren't then they should walk away so that those of us who are ready don't have to suffer while they are humbled. I get frustrated a lot of the time with how non-supportive of those looking in on the situation can be but I know they don't understand how we feel or the impressions Daniel has had and how much of an impact it has had on his mood, temperament and that when he comes home even though they are struggling and we aren't being paid and how much strain that should put on someones shoulders, that it isn't all doom and gloom. That's how it was in Texas when everything at work was going down the drain. It's refreshing to have him uplifted. But it's even harder for me when the wives of the co-workers are so against them that they won't help pay rent with their paychecks and would rather see their husband struggle to pay all the bills because that is his responsibility. It is a joint responsibility. Even I have started looking into income from home transcription jobs that I can do.

I think I feel a little better. I live by the saying "Ignorance is bliss" right now because I would rather not now how empty our bank account is or how we are going to pay for rent. I worry about what we can cook from the free food we get from WIC and how often we can go without having meat in our meal, which means if cereal is what we have cereal is what is for dinner. I try not think about the clothes Wes could be wearing, or the dresser he could have, or the dresser I could have for that matter. I think about the fact that eventually it will all be worth it. Whether we learn how to scrape by and we learn humility or the company will be crazy successful and we were here from the beginning and all the hard work and sacrifice was worth it. Or both.